Amends
by Bredgewin
Summary: Set after 11x05. Dean finds Sam having a nightmare in the bunker and the two brothers have a heart to heart about the previous two years
1. Chapter 1

Dean forced himself out of the chair and trudged away from the desk which was covered, corner to corner, with books, journals, scriptures; the whole enchilada. The boys were clinging to the hope that maybe one of them would give them even some sort of idea about what they were dealing with in The Darkness. Not really hope; more desperation. Metatron was still a no show and Rowena would be just as tricky to locate or help for that matter. So all they could do was research; despite both knowing it was pointless. An entire day spent scouring ancient books and nothing.

'Well that was a whole load of crap', Dean mused as he made his way to bed. Sam had given up hours ago and Cas was still recovering from Rowena's spell. Dean was struggling to keep his eyes open and frankly, sleep was the only thing that distracted him from impending….whatever. He walked past Sam's room and heard mumbling. He assumed his brother was talking in his sleep as he had a tendency to do so during the odd nightmare. Dean was about to move on when he caught wind of one of Sam's sentences.

'You're not my brother-get away from me'. His voice louder and more strained.

Dean remained rooted on the spot. He didn't want to be eavesdropping but curiosity got the better of him. Pushing the door open ever so slightly, he peered inside Sam's bedroom. His younger brother was on his back and unconsciously gripping the bed covers. Even from afar, he could tell sweat was beginning to pump down from Sam's forehead.

'Stop…..stay away…..Dean….no', panic laced through Sam's voice as his body stirred. Dean moved closer, wanting to wake him up but reminding himself that it was only a nightmare. Sam had plenty of them growing up. But still, Dean couldn't ignore the fact that Sam was getting more and more distressed. His breathing was speeding up and he had somehow managed to tangle himself up in his covers.

'NOOOOOO…STOP….HELP ME…AHHHHHHHHH' the words pierced through the bedroom and right through the bunker as Sam bellowed them in his still unconscious state.

'Screw this' he was waking him up.

'Sam…..Sam….wake up buddy…..come on. Sammy' he shook his brothers shoulders, pleading him to open his eyes.

Dean was pushed back and slammed into the bookcase as Sam jolted upright and used his arms to push Dean away. Instinctively he reached for his gun but Dean jumped forward and gripped his arm tightly.

'Hey….hey Sam… stop. Look at me, it was a dream. You're awake.' He looked into Sam's frantic eyes as they darted from one side of the room trying to decipher whether he was really awake or whether it was just another trick. His breathing was shallow and his entire body was drenched in sweat. Still not letting go of his arm, Dean again tried to reassure him.

'Look at me Sammy. It was only a dream or a nightmare or whatever the hell you want to call them. You're back in the bunker now. Ok? Sammy' he searched in Sam's eyes to see if he had come back to reality yet. Slowly he felt Sam's body relax beside him and he loosened his grip on his arm. His breathing became more normal as he tried to compose himself. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths.

Opening them again he reverted to natural Sam mode and moved himself back against the headboard before attempting to give an explanation.

'Sorry, just a bad dream'

'A bad dream? Sam you full on screamed the place down and almost went postal when you woke up. I don't know what your definition of bad dream is but that ain't it. What the hell were you dreaming of?'

'Hell'.

Dean was taken aback. He fully expected Sam to reply with some bullshit answer or totally brush off the question but did not anticipate that reply.

'Hell'

'Yeah….the Cage' Sam had bowed his head as he said the last two words, afraid to show his brother the fear that lay in his eyes.

'As in Lucifer, Michael, infinite torture; that Cage?'

'Unless you know any other metal cells of agony roaming around Hell then yeah that Cage' Sam replied, momentarily finding time to throw in some sarcasm.

Sitting down on the side of the bed, Dean let out a breath. The thought of Sammy reliving the worst experience of his life broke his heart. He'd give anything for his little brother not to go through that again. Sensing a period of openness from Sam he decided to press the issue further.

'You have these dreams often?'

'Not for a long time. I used to get them every night after the wall Death put it was tore down by Cas…'

'Wait, what? Every night? For how long?' Angry rushed through Dean; how could Sam not tell him this?

'Until the trials started' Sam was definitely not meeting his brother's eye this time. He knew not telling Dean something like this was going to cause a fight. He had planned to inform him ages ago but things got in the way (as they usually did in their lives). But what good would it have done? Knowing Dean, he would have gone and tried some hoodoo to erase his dreams and end up selling his soul or some crap. Better for everyone if Sam keep it quiet.

'That's almost two years. You were having dreams about the Cage every night for that long and didn't bother your ass to tell me?'

'What good would it have done? Look what happened after the wall was torn down. If I had told you what would you have done? Gone off and put some spell on me? More angel crap voodoo? I could manage it on my own and I did.

'Well maybe a little memo would have been nice.' Dean was still furious. Over two years having visions of Lucifer and the torture in the cage and not once did Sam think it was worth mentioning to him. He didn't know whether to feel angry or hurt. Was he not trustworthy enough for Sam? They had had their issues, plenty of them, but he thought something like this might slip into conversation at some stage. Running his fingers through his hair, he sighed. No matter how many times it had bitten them in the ass by doing it; keeping secrets from one another was still a number one skill of the Winchesters.

Breaking the silence, Sam sat upright and moved out from the headboard.

'Listen it's too late to change things now. The point is; after the trials I stopped having those nightmares, like I was cleansed of them or something. But since the Darkness was let out I've been having these visions again. I think it means something.'

'Like what?' Dean didn't like where this was going. He was hoping that Sam didn't think what he thought he meant.

'That maybe what we are searching for isn't here. It's down there. It was Lucifer after all who helped God put the Darkness into her box.'

'Ok I'll stop you there daredevil. The Cage is not an option. At all. You can't seriously be considering trying to communication with the devil?' He couldn't believe that Sam was honestly thinking of re-visiting the Apocalypse again. He did not want his brother anywhere near Lucifer after the angel had used him as a personal punching bag for hundreds of years. Standing up, he moved away from the bed and started pacing the room.

'I'm not thrilled about it either but what other options do we have at this point?'

'Oh this isn't even an option Sammy; it's not going to happen. What do you even suggest we do? Somehow I don't hell has a special hotline to the Cage.'

'I don't know, there has to be a spell or something Crowley knows. All I know is that I'm getting these visions for a reason and that reasons seems to be leading us to Lucifer.' Sam seemed adamant in what he wanted to do. That fear that had materialised in his eyes when he woke up had reappeared as determination.

Dean was still pacing back and forth. The room seemed smaller than it was; barely any room to walk off the frustration he was feeling. There was just no way they were bringing Lucifer back into the mix. He was buried in Hell over 5 years ago and he was going to stay there, no matter how bad things got with Amara.

''I just can't go along with this. Lucifer is another can of worms we can't touch dude. If we speak to him then we risk you getting stuck in the Cage or having him whisper crazytalk in your head again. Or you know, the biggie; he gets out and it's suddenly Armageddon take 2 out there.' At this stage he was pleading with Sam. His gut instinct was telling him it was a bad idea and he learnt long ago to trust it. Yes, Lucifer may have some answers but was it worth the risk to the world and Sam? He wasn't prepared to take that leap.

'But I can't ignore what I'm seeing. The visions have to be coming from somewhere and I think God is sending them to me.

Dean had to stop himself rolling his eyes. Not the God crap again. He got that Sam needed to pray to give himself some hope but this was too much.

'How many times have we knocked on God's door and got no answer? Why should this time be any different?

'Because this is what started it all; the Darkness is the beginning. The first thing that God destroyed or whatever. And that thing is back and wants to destroy everything God created. I don't believe he is going to stand back and just let her.'

'It hasn't stopped him before. The Apocalypse? Remember that? He could have stopped it all but he decides to kick back and let others die instead.' He couldn't help get annoyed. The thought of an all- powerful being just looming somewhere in the background and not lifting a finger to help pissed him off. Didn't they deserve a break after everything they had been put through?

Sam shifted uncomfortably in the bed. He was taking in Dean's words but he seemed determined to continue to investigate this Lucifer theory. And once Sam got an idea in his head he had a tendency to run a marathon with it. Dean wasn't prepared to go down that route; not ever. He needed to get it out of Sam's head.

'And even if we manage to talk to Lucifer; why would he help us? We are the ones who put him back in his prison I doubt he's going to want to pair up like the X-Men and tag team the Darkness.'

'We have to at least consider it Dean. We haven't found anything at all. The Darkness is bigger than anything we've ever faced, including Lucifer. He may be our last hope.'

'If the Devil is our last hope than we are screwed.'

'We are screwed regardless. I don't see what is wrong with exploring our options. These visions mean something.'

'We have no clue if they are actually coming from God or not. We can rush into this. Please, just….let's keep looking. And if jack squat comes in then maybe, maybe we will revisit your visions. Come on man, just give it some time.' Honestly, Dean had no intention of revisiting the Cage but he needed to buy some time to come up with something else. There was no way he was letting Lucifer anywhere near Sam.

'Fine…..i'll park the Lucifer thing for now but we can't ignore it.' Sam finally was relenting. He shifted again in his bed, something clearly still on his mind.

'But Dean, what the hell are we going to do?' His expression said it all. He knew that they had nothing and that it looked like nothing would work.

'What we always do Sammy; keep fighting till we got nothing left. It's not much but it's all we have. ' he smiled weakly. It was a pathetic excuse but Sam was right. They had nothing and the signs weren't looking good. But they were Winchesters; they would go down fighting.

Neither of them spoke for a few moments. The pair of them not knowing what they could say to make the situation any better. Dean made to leave when suddenly, Sam grabbed his wrist.

'Dean…'

'What is it?' Dean noticed Sam was struggling to say something. He was avoiding eye contact; never a good sign. Since they were kids, whenever Sam was confessing something or saying sorry he would always look to the floor.

'Sam?' He wanted some sort of explanation.

'I know it means nothing and at this stage I don't expect any forgiveness, I don't deserve it but I'm so sorry. All of this is my fault.'

'Sam….don't.' There was no way Dean was getting into this. Definitely another can of worms that needed to stay shut. So much had happened between the two brothers in the last few years that had driven a wedge between them and bringing up these issues just was not on the table for him.

'No let me say this; I need to say this. I screwed up, like always. And you are paying the price for my recklessness. You don't deserve this.'

Dean tried to move but Sam's grip on his wrist was far too strong.

'I'll fix it; I promise I'll make this right.'

'Sam stop. Can we not do this? This isn't time for pointing fingers. It's a crappy situation but we can't dwell on it. We gotta save the world…..again?'

Sam bowed his head and hunched his shoulders. Still not letting go of Dean he began mumbling to himself. His long hair was covering his face.

'Listen it's late and….'

'If I could go back and change things I would; in a heartbeat.' Sam cut him off with a barely audible remark.

Dean didn't say anything. He knew Sam was talking about the Mark of Cain. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess that Sam would never have used the Book of the Damned to remove the Mark if he knew the consequences. And not for one second did he begrudge Sam for having those regrets.

'I know you would, there's no shame in it. If we knew removing the Mark was going to this then I would have blasted myself to the Moon.'

'I wasn't talking about removing the Mark. I…..I meant what I said after Gadreel possessed me.'

If he wasn't uncomfortable before, he definitely was now. That conversation with Sam over a year ago still stung every time he thought about it. Hearing his little brother say he would not save him was one of the hardest things he ever had to take. Even thinking about it again was like a punch to the gut. Although Sam had said he was lying and proved with the Mark that he'd do anything to save him, Dean could never un-hear those words.

Sam didn't give him the opportunity to interrupt or brush him off-he continued on;

'I regret what I said so much. More than anything. I was just so angry and messed up. A part of me wanted to hurt you after you let Gadreel possess me; to make you feel how hurt I had been. But I should never have said it, I really didn't mean it. Dean, you have to believe me; there is nothing I wouldn't for you. I'm so sorry. I promise you I'll spend the rest of my life making up for it.' He'd finally raised his head and was looking Dean squarely in the eye.

'It's all my fault. You would have never taken the Mark off Cain if I hadn't of pushed you away. Hell you never would have teamed up with Crowley to find Cain in the first place. I put you through this position and I need to fix this. I just have to. If I thought it would make any difference, I would say sorry every day.'

The air was sucked right out of him; he didn't know what to say. Dean never wanted to think back to the Mark and the moment he took it off Cain. He knew the very second it burned onto his skin that it changed him. But he had never blamed Sam for that. Truthfully, he blamed himself. Sure it was Sam who forced Dean to tag team with Crowley but no one forced him to take the Mark; that was his own doing.

By never thinking of the consequences, Dean always found a way to screw things up and this was just another one to add to the list. He wasn't going to lie though; he still heard the ringing of Sam's words in his head every now and then. It wasn't something you forget; considering how close the brothers used to be.

But listening to his baby bother pour his heart out and admit that he never meant it somehow lifted a small relief off his shoulders. He hated that his relationship with Sam deteriorated so much since the trials. So much had happened since then that they never even got an opportunity to try and mend what was broken.

Even though they were quite possibly facing the end of the road with the darkness, maybe it was better late than never to try fix things.

Sam was still staring at him, trying to gauge his reaction. Dean noticed the tears swelling in his little brother's eyes, and could feel a lump in his own throat.

'We can't change what happened Sammy. There's so much I wish I could take back and do differently but don't carry this guilt around with you. What you said back then hurt a lot, it set me back a lot but you've proved that you didn't mean it.'

Tears were falling fast down Sam's cheeks, his puppy dog eyes still somehow managing look Dean straight in the face. He hadn't cried this much since Dean had been stabbed by Metatron. His shoulders were slightly shaking.

'Sammy…..it's ok I don't blame you for this; I would have done the exact same thing. You're all I've got and I'm all you've got. Whether we like it or not, we're stuck together,' Dean was being honest; Sam was his only family left (along with Cas) and even though they've had their rough patches, he loved the giant man and would still do anything for him. He killed Death for the love of Zeus! At this point, Sam had let go of his wrist and buried his head in his hands, openly sobbing.

What was going on with him? Dean was shocked seeing him so distraught. Even in the church during the final trial he was less emotional. He couldn't stand seeing Sam so upset; his older brother instincts were kicking in.

'It's ok Sammy,' he moved closer and pulled him into a hug, gripping his crying brother tightly. He felt Sam shaking furiously in his arms but was relieved when he returned the embrace. Sam cried onto his shoulder, leaving his shirt damp but he didn't care. Momentarily, everything that was going on was forgotten. This was about comforting Sammy and making him feel better; as a child doing just that was second nature to him. Along the years, the skill lay dormant but was making a comeback just at the right time. He rubbed comforting circles on Sam's back, hoping to calm him down. Whatever caused this outburst worried Dean; he held him closer.

Muffled words were coming through from Sam, most of which Dean couldn't make out.

'…my fault…everything…..the Mark….my….fault,' Sam cried as he clung onto his big brother.

'No….stop it Sam, you can't blame yourself for everything. This isn't your fault', he pleaded for his brother to see some sense but nothing was getting through to him.


	2. Chapter 2

'Everything I do…..just makes things worse…..I'm….I'm,' Sam couldn't even get the words out anymore because he was that upset. He buried his head back onto Dean's shoulder and continued to cry.

Seriously, what was up with him? The older Winchester couldn't remember Sam being this upset over something like this. He was so confused yet his heart was aching. Suddenly they weren't adults anymore; they were young kids and Dean was being the caring older brother.

He's almost forgotten what that actually was like. All the rage and hurt that had consumed him with the Mark had blacked out any other emotions or feelings for anything. Slowly he was beginning to feel like himself again.

Of course; it took his little brother in need to help him figure that part out. He thought of something he had told Sam years before when they were at breaking point- which was that they kept each other human. Without one another they would become something unrecognisable. The truth of the matter was that they needed each other.

Only the cries of Sam were audible in the room; there was silence around the rest of the bunker.

'Ssh…ssh….ssh….Sammy it'll will be ok.' He spoke softly to try to ease the pain he knew his brother was in.

'I know things are screwed up and have been for a long time but come on, you're my pain in the ass little brother. What would I do without you driving me crazy huh? I mean Cas is great but he can be one clueless son of a bitch. I need you as my back up.'

He hoped that these words would bring reassurance for Sam and let him know that he didn't hate him or was holding some massive grudge against him.

More mumbled phrases came from Sam, still not quite cohesive sentences.

'But….I ruin…..I mean I….look at what I've done.'

There was still no getting through to him. He was hyperventilating in-between sobs and his large frame still clung to Dean as if he would never see him again.

Dean was about to say something else but decided to let Sam calm down naturally and allow him to vent his pain. Perhaps this was just a release of all that frustration and sadness that had built up over the two years. Maybe this is what Sam needs, to cry it out with his big brother beside him.

Although, Dean was still Dean and these chick-flick moments made him as uncomfortable as hell. He'd rather take his frustration out by killing demons and even knocking back a few beers but no, Sam had to be the touchy feely type. Some things never change.

However, there was one thing he wanted to say; he'd wanted to say it for a couple of weeks now but could never find the right moment. And well, fate had a twisted sense of humour indeed. The moment had now decided to serve itself up to Dean on one shiny looking plate.

He felt a knot tie itself in his stomach. This was not going to be easy but if he didn't say it now then he wouldn't find the courage to later on. He moved his hands to Sam's shoulders and pulled him back to face him. Dean winced at the bloodshot eyes and distressed look on his brother's face. Tears were still free-flowing down his face also. He was a wreck but Dean needed to do this. It was now or never.

'Ok I've been meaning to say something to you and I need you to really listen.' Sam nodded his head slowly while Dean took a big breath.

'I don't blame you for Charlie's death.'

It was the first time either of them had said her name since they burned her remains and Dean noticed the changed in Sam's face when he mentioned her. It was a look of anguish. His eyes dropped to the bed, unable to meet Dean's anymore. He was glad they did, because tears were already forming in his own eyes. He somehow managed to blink them back and continue on.

'I remember what I said too. That had to have hurt you. But I was so angry at her death; she was like a sister to us Sammy and she died trying to protect me and you too. It was blind rage from the Mark that was pushing my grief. And I just couldn't believe that you put her in that danger so I lost it with you. And I said what I said.'

He could barely continue to speak as he was choking up thinking about seeing Charlie's lifeless body covered in blood in the motel room. That image would haunt him forever.

Sam's shoulders were shaking so violently he was sure the guy would collapse on the floor in hysterics. But somehow he was still on the bed, in full crying mode. Dean didn't want to finish what he was going to say considering how tough this was on Sam but they have avoided talking about anything of importance for so long; they couldn't go on like that.

'I was angry at you and took the Mark's rage all out on you. Guess we both have a talent for saying things that hurt. But you gotta believe me; after the anger subsided I understood something that I didn't before. I understood why you said what you said to me after Gadreel. Sammy, I did the exact same thing to Kevin. By trying to save you I got him killed in the process. How can I blame you for something I did myself?'

Even though Sam wasn't looking up at Dean, he still had to turn away. If he said anymore he was pretty sure he would be joining his brother in hysterics. Just like he didn't like to talk about Charlie, he especially couldn't bear to speak about Kevin. They were supposed to protect him and keep him safe. But Dean messed that up and ended up getting the poor kid blasted by an angel. So that's why he needed to Sammy to understand why he didn't hate him for Charlie's death. He had done precisely the same thing the year previously.

'Basically what I'm trying to say is that we've both screwed up. We've gotten people killed trying to save our own asses instead of looking out for others. You were right back at the hospital; we need to change. Saving people is who we are; I don't like losing innocent victims that get caught up in our messed up lives. So I'm with you there buddy. Whatever happens with the Darkness, we are going to save as many as we can.'

Losing interest in Sam's bookcase and regaining his composure he looked back towards his crying brother. He still hadn't managed to bring his eyes back up to Dean and now put his head back in his hands.

Guilt was now pulsing through Dean's body; he had seriously underestimated how much Sam had been hurting the last while. Sure, he knew watching the Mark take hold of him must have been devastating for Sam but after everything they had overcome in their lives already, he thought it would just been another battle. But clearly this last one had almost broken him.

And looking at him now, he wondered whether Sam really was defeated by what had happened.

Reaching over and placing his hand underneath his brother's chin he lifted his head up to meet his eyes. They were still the hazel puppy dog eyes he's known since he was four years old but there was such desperation in them they seemed so different.

Immediately, he wanted to do everything he could to bring them back to life.

'Hey man….look at me. It's going to be OK. What is done is done and all we can do is more on kick some Darkness ass. You with me?' He hoped for any sort of positive response given that he told his brother there was no hard feelings.

Nothing was said for a few moments; Sam looked as if he was trying to find the words to say something, his eyes darting from side to side. But slowly it was as if he finally got some sort of rationale back into his head. He seemed to calm down a little and his breathing was becoming more stable. Eventually he mustered enough strength to reply to his brother.

'Yes, I'm with you. Until the very end. Always.' He added extra emphasis to the 'always', showing his brother that he really meant it.

'I'm sorry I got so upset. I….I guess just everything got a little overwhelming and it all spilled over after my dream tonight. Sorry you got caught up in it,' he gave an apologetic look to Dean.

Dean was relieved. This was the Sammy he was used to, not the devastated wreck that sat in front of him only moments ago. He was worried that he was having some sort of breakdown and would cry his eyes out all night but he appeared to be getting back to normal. Whatever normal was in their lives anyway. Sam wiped the lingering tears off his face and brushed his shaggy hair back. Honestly, one of these days he needed to shave half of it off while the dude slept thought Dean. It was getting way too long. He couldn't help but smirk at that last thought.

He squeezed Sam's shoulder to let him know that no apology was needed. This was a conversation they both needed to have. He gave him a weak smile and got up to leave. But Sam clearly had more to say.

'It was just that I came so close to losing you for good the last year. Every day I saw you slip further and further away as the Mark took over. And it terrified me. I fought so hard to get you back because you're my big brother but always because I couldn't let you down…..again. Especially not after what you said in the church during the final trial. Immediately after you gave your whole 'there isn't anything I put in front of you speech', I go and collapse and lead you down this road. And I just couldn't let you fall to the Mark with you so disappointed in me.'

Dean was frozen on the spot. This conversation was far from over.


	3. Chapter 3

Disappointed in him? Did Sam really think that? He felt as if he was back in that church all over again trying to convince his baby brother that he was important to him. Those last two years really erased everything he said he guessed.

'Dude….I thought I was the self-loathing one?' Some humour was definitely needed to ease the mood in the room.

Sam actually smiled at that one. Dean was proud of that one but was bothered by how his brother was thinking. He walked over to the bookshelf and brushed his hand over the books. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sam following his every move. There was something he was looking for and if his memory served him correctly it should be in one of these books.

'What are you doing?' Sam's voice was filled with confusion.

'One second….there's something I want to show you.'

'Show me what?'

'Patience little brother.'

He was sure he had put it in one of those types of 'encyclopaedia of serial killers' books that Sam read all the time. It was not normal for someone to have a fascination with murderous psychos.

Bingo! Thank you very much Ted Bundy. He opened the biography of the killer and pulled out an envelope. Staring at the white paper he turned around moved over to Sam.

'I put this in your room a while back, not long before Charlie was killed. I put it here because I was certain I was going to go all terminator and Cas would have to blow my ass into a million pieces. But I didn't want you to remember me like that.'

He paused, thinking back to that night a couple of months ago.

 _Sam had gone out for a run and he knew that it would be his chance to slip it in his room without getting caught. The Mark was getting stronger and he knew he couldn't hold out much longer. If things went sour he had already made Cas promise to tear him apart but all he could think about was what it would do to Sammy._

 _His brother was watching him become a monster in front of his very eyes and there was nothing he could do about it._

 _But he would be damned if that was Sam's last memory of him. He needed something good to hold onto; something he could smile about once Dean was gone. Making sure there was no sign of his brother he crept into his room and looked for a place to hide the envelope. It needed to be somewhere that Sam wouldn't look at immediately but would eventually stumble upon at some stage. Taking a glimpse of the bookcase, Dean knew he hit the jackpot. There was no way his brother wouldn't open one of those books in a years' time. Moving quickly he grabbed one of the books on the middle shelf and stuffed the envelope inside before careful placing it back, making sure not to move any of the other books around._

 _He hurried out of the room and made for the study. Whatever happened next, at least Sam had a reminder that his older brother wasn't always a monster._

Brought back to the present moment he handed the envelope to a very confused Sam.

'What is this?' There was some serious apprehension on his brother's face.

'Just open it man.'

Sam carefully teared at the opening and pulled out an old astronaut-themed birthday card. The younger man looked up in shock at his brother and then back down at the birthday card he had received when he was seven.

Taking a second to glance at the front cover, which had a goofy bear dressed as an astronaut on the moon (Sam was going through a weird fascination with space at the time), he opened the card up and took in the words that Dean had written down all those years ago.

" _Happy Birthday Sammy, my future space cadet! Although with the rate you are growing you may be able to reach the moon just by standing up. I can't bring you on a space adventure but I can bring you to see Star Was at the movies. You've always wanted to go to the movies and now that you're 7, you're finally old enough._

 _Even though you're annoying as hell sometimes, you're still my favourite brother. I'm proud of you doing well in school this year too. That deserves some ice cream after the movies._

 _Enjoy your day dude_

 _Dean"_

Again, the silence flew through the air in the small bedroom. Sam was still re-reading the message, still not entirely sure that he believed what he was seeing.

Dean remembered writing that card like it was yesterday. It was the first time their dad was going to miss Sam's birthday; an urgent hunt had come up and John had to take it. Dean could tell it killed his Dad to not be there for Sammy but a hunt was a hunt.

Before he left, he gave Dean 50 dollars to treat Sam in an attempt to make up for him not being there. Using the money, he tried to give his little brother the best birthday he's ever had. He brought him to see Star Wars (even though Dean couldn't stand the film), got him a huge sundae after the movies and bought him one of those fake telescopes that showed you different shapes and stars every time you twisted it around.

The night before Sam's birthday he was buying dinner in the store when he noticed the bear in the space suit birthday card. He thought his baby brother would like it, never once realising that Sammy had never gotten a birthday card before (John Winchester wasn't one for leaving heartfelt messages on cardboard).

He would never forget how the 7-year-olds face light up when Dean handed him over the card; it was like he had won the lottery. The sight of Sam almost bursting with happiness over a birthday card was one of his favourite memories.

'Dude, where did you get this? I thought I lost it years ago.' Finally back from memory lane, Sam was demanding to know how the card came back into Dean's possession.

Sitting down on the armchair opposite the bed, he began to explain how Mr. Spacebear made its way back to him.

'After you had jumped into the pit with Lucifer and Michael, I….um….had to sort through some of your stuff. I wasn't going to throw it away or anything but I don't it was some sort of therapeutic thing maybe. I was going to put a lot of it in storage in case…..you know.'

Shifting uncomfortably in his seat he shuddered at thinking of the year without Sam. Even though soulless Sam was roaming around, Dean had spent a year almost in a depressed funk without his brother.

But it worked out in the end…more or less.

'Anyway I was going through your duffle bag when I found something right of the bottom. I didn't have a clue what is was until I took it out fully and realised it was the birthday card. Man, I couldn't believe you had kept that thing for nearly 20 years. It cost less than a dollar.'

Not giving Sam a chance to react or say anything he continued on his story.

'Seeing that thing was like a punch in the gut. It reminded me of how much I had lost and made me wonder whether I could ever feel even a bit happy again. But truthfully, it reminded me that you still looked up to me. That I was still the big brother that still could provide you with some form of a family. It was my proof that I didn't let you down over the years. So I kept the card; most likely for the same reason you did'

He really couldn't go on….he was choking up saying those last few words. The card meant everything to Sam at one stage in his life and for a while, it meant everything to him too.

Looking over, he saw that Sam was clearly in the running for Miss World; his crying game was on point.

Seriously, was the water poisoned or something in the last few days? What had gotten into the both of them?

Trying to force back the tears himself, he made a silent admission to himself.

This was going to be a long night.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam seemed lost for words. He kept reading over the message in the card, despite the fact he could most likely recite it from memory. It was like it was the first time ever seeing it.

'Dude, are you going to say anything any time soon?' Dean really hated awkward silences and this is was definitely in their top ten.

'Yeah sorry, it's just seeing this again after all these years you know. Thanks for keeping it. But why did you leave it for me?

'Er I thought you went college? Did you cry out your brains just there too? Come on.'

Really, did Sam need to even ask that? He rolled his eyes and threw the chair cushion that was behind him straight at his brother's head.

'That's for being an idiot,' he chuckled as the pillow flew straight into Sammy's face.

'Next time I'll throw one of your precious serial killer books at you; teach you to not say stupid things in the future.'

Almost breathless with confusion, Sam stared irately at him.

'God dammnit Sammy, why else would I leave you that card? I was hardly going to try pass it off as your next birthday card. I was becoming a monster dude. A full-on, crazed killer. I thought Cas was going to have to blow me up or something. I couldn't have you thinking of me as a monster so I wanted to leave you something that proved that at one stage in our lives I was someone who could make your life just that little bit less crappy.'

Sam smiled weakly.

'Dean I'll never need a reminder that you've always been my big brother who's looked after me my entire life. I'll never forget that. Like I said to you before the Mark was removed; you'll never hear me say you are anything but good. Even with the Mark, I knew you were still there.'

They had reached peak 'chick-flick'moment tonight. Dean ran his hand over his face and through his hair; he was actually pretty tired. Who knew having a heart to heart would be this draining? It was probably the reason he avoided them at all costs.

'But that still doesn't answer my question though; you're not disappointed in me? And why did you show me the card when I brought it up?'

'You're not going to let this go easily are you?' Dean was hoping enough had been said so that he could sneak off to bed but nope, Sam had his determination face back on.

Fair enough, if he wants to go down this road then let's just speed up already, thought Dean.

'Did you hit your head really hard after that last hunt or are you dehydrated from the crying fest? I've said it already; we've both screwed up in the past and I've been disappointed in the two of us but that doesn't change how I think about you. If I really thought any less of you, would I have been so concerned about what you thought of me after I was blasted into a million pieces?'

He had to get Sam to believe that there really wasn't any hard feelings. They had played that game in the past and look where it had got them. They needed a clean slate and Dean, despite everything, still wanted his little brother by his side, no matter what.

'What I said in the church two years ago; it still counts. It probably always will. Got it?'

Dean looked at Sam's face, searching for some act of acknowledgement. He didn't know what else he could to make his brother see sense.

Then, as if almost on cue, Sam's mouth slowly broke into a small smile.

'Got it…..jerk.'

'Good…..bitch.'

The pair of them smirked slightly at their decades old insult. Sam had said it for first time in years last week. It had caught him off-guard. Neither of them had said it in so long; he wondered when they had stopped. Last week felt like the old days. No angels, no apocalypse, no Mark or Darkness; just regular spirits and demons. He could hardly believe how things had changed over 11 years.

Their lives now manage to actually suck more than ever.

But last week on their last hunt, singing Night Moves, Dean felt their relationship may have begun to repair after so much damage had been done. Even if they were facing the end with the Darkness; then he was damn well sure he would make things right with his brother.

'While we're on the subject of apologies, I might as well get this one out too.'

'Get what out.' Sam was back to his confused face.

'I'm sorry things have gotten so bad between us.' He really meant it. The thought of the pair of them dying at the hands of the Darkness and never patching up things fully didn't sit well with him. He needed Sam to know that he was willing to be a better brother again.

Shifting his position in the bed, Sam moved his body so that he was facing Dean fully now; his long legs now hanging out of the covers and on the floor. The weight that was on his shoulders after he woke up seemed to be lifting. He too looked as if he was prepared to mend what had been broken.

'Yeah man, me too. I don't know how we let it get this bad. It's just this job; it's taken everything away from us. Things just keep coming you know; there's only so much of it we could take. Makes sense that it ate away at us. I don't know how we've managed to survive it and still be half sane. But I do know this; it's because of you I'm still here. I could have lost it after Lucifer was whispering in my ear or after the trials but you pulled me back. You've been there through everything even when I haven't been there for you so I'm sorry. I want to make things right Dean.'

His eyes were filled with tears again. That weight that Dean thought was lifting from his brother's shoulders now seemed to slowly piling back on.

Fucking hell, how much guilt does this guy carry around? Dean cursed himself for not saying anything sooner.

Standing up he walked back over to the bed and sat beside Sam.

'You know, this wounded puppy act is getting real old now,' he joked.

He pulled Sam into another hug; twice in less than an hour. He must be getting soft in his old age. But he was glad that the younger Winchester once again returned the hug. Sam was right though; they had lost so much over the years it was no wonder they were messed up.

Dean always found a way to bury it, usually with alcohol, but he assumed Sammy didn't bury it as deep as his big brother. The kid always wore his heart on his sleeve; more to Dean's annoyance. Clearly there had been a lot that he had needed to get off his mind. The brief conversation they had in the car last week must have really opened the floodgates.

Holding his baby brother closely as he cried on his shoulder again, Dean wondered whether Sam had anything else he wanted to share.

He was seriously tired.


End file.
